Today I received news that the husband of a very good friend of mine from home had died. I knew this man fairly well and had sung with his wife in my parish choir for four years. Needless to say, he meant quite a bit to me, and his loss hit me hard. My heart goes out to his wife and their family, as I know that this is a huge loss and may seem to be extremely unfair.

To an extent, it is unfair. It’s hard to believe that, the next time I go home, I won’t see him, and I know his wife will still be in a state of distress. It’s times like this that I wish I could be at home, or that home was a bit more accessible than it is. It pains me so much to not be able to be there for her and all of those affected by his loss.

Unfortunately, we all have to find a way to move on with our lives. The world kind of sucks like that; thinking that one can just “move on” from such a horrible loss is awfully mind-boggling. And yet, I know that tomorrow I’m going to have to get up, go to class, go to rehearsal and try to not let it get me down.

I can’t even imagine the loss that their family is feeling, and yet I am constantly aware of the fact that I will have to deal with loss like that some time in my life. (If you haven’t picked up on this yet, I can be morbidly depressing at times). Sometimes it scares me to think that I will lose the people close to me in my life; I really wish I didn’t entertain such thoughts, or even give it any thought at all.

But that’s always been a problem of mine: I overthink things. I take things and blow them up so much, or tear them down so much, that I practically drive myself crazy. 

A friend brought up personality tests recently, and I found one that I took at the beginning of school last year; apparently I am an ESFJ (Extraverted Sensing Feeling Judging). I was looking over the descriptors and I found one that was especially poignant at this time: “ESFJs are easily wounded. And when wounded, their emotions will not be contained. They by nature ‘wear their hearts on their sleeves,’ often exuding warmth and bonhomie, but not infrequently boiling over with the vexation of their souls. Some ESFJs channel these vibrant emotions into moving dramatic performances on stage and screen.”

I was watching our performance of Twelfth Night tonight and saw the beauty of the love story; that, in spite of misunderstandings, love conquers all. I realized something else at the end as well:

The Fool ends up alone.

-MJH