frustration abundant

Here I sit, (technically) Sunday morning of finals week, with next to no inspiration to do anything.

I just got back from practicing for the playing portion of my Percussion Techniques final (for which I am extremely- emphasis on extremely- screwed) and I just can’t find any sort of motivation to get through this week.

I don’t know exactly what it is that’s holding me back; I should be scared out of my mind on how poorly I could possibly do on my finals to be motivated enough to study and do well on them.

But all I can think about is the fact that 1) in less than a week I won’t have to worry about this crap and 2) that, in the long run, a test should not ultimately determine how I do.

If you think about it, the mentality of tests and projects and the last two weeks of the semester is completely fabricated. That “Oh my God, this is the most important thing ever” mentality isn’t something that should dominate your life after you leave college. Life outside of a learning institution doesn’t consist of quizzes, exams, papers and group projects. You’re not going to head to your job and have your employer tell you that you better bone up on your reading material because I’m going to give an exam next week covering the entire book. That’s absurdly ridiculous.

And yet, that’s how we function. Am I saying I possess a better way of learning or assessment? Absolutely not. I’m just displeased with the way things are. 

The way I see it, this “Oh my God” mentality inhibits learning more than encourages it. If you constantly feel under pressure to learn something and then execute it well, is that healthy at all? Shouldn’t the end game be that the learning done is made second-nature, so that the teacher replaces him or herself? 

And yet, whilst I debate these existential questions about how learning should be done, I can feel by GPA sinking because of the fact that I probably won’t do extremely well on finals. How sad is that?

Honestly?

-MJH

getting creative

Boy has it been a while since I was here…only (a little less than) three weeks left in this semester. Hopefully it all ends with all of our limbs (and minds) in tact. 

I decided to get creative and write a little story; enjoy!

A several month old Sudoku puzzle sat on his desk. He sat there staring at the boxes with numbers, trying to make sense of it. He’d always been good at the puzzle- he took great satisfaction in seeing how the patterns worked and figuring it all out.

He had found the puzzle in a bus station a few weeks previously and decided to work on it- even though it was alreday months old at that point. Things were going smoothly as he started, numbers falling into place, everything making sense…

Then, all of a sudden, it stopped…no matter what possibilities he played in his head, the numbers stopped fitting, The puzzle that he thought he knew, that he thought made sense, had become this incomprehensible jumble that, at this point, frustrated him.

The more he thought about it, the less it made sense. How could something that had made so much sense previously, that seemed so tangible, so achievable, just stop being so?

He had put it aside numerous times- hours, even days. Yet, when he came back to it, he could find no answers, no solace in the puzzle. But, for some reason, he always came back to it- thinking that another look, another attempt would give him the combination he so desperately sought.

Unfortunately, he saw nothing. The frustration turned to apathy. He began to wonder why he even bothered with the puzzle in the first place. A wave of disappointment came over him. What the thought he knew, he didn’t…so what did he know?

So he thought, “One more look, maybe that’s it.” He gazed down at the gray newsprint, but nothing clicked. He drew a breath, picked it up and threw the puzzle away.

“Why frustrate yourself with what you can’t figure out?” he thought to himself as he walked away from the trashcan.

This time, the puzzle held no answer for him.

 

-MJH

do unto others…

Yet another hectic week here at old DePauw…rehearsals, classwork and…well that’s basically it.

Even as much as I complain about being overcommitted, I certainly love working in music and the theater. It’s so refreshing to get together with a group of people and create something.

That said, sometimes it’s a pain in the ass.

After a rigorous Tommy choreography session, which made me extremely frustrated because 1) it took so long because people weren’t paying attention and 2) I was angry with myself about not being able to get the steps right, I was greeted with multiple tongue-in-cheek comments about my dance skills.

I consider myself fortunate that God blessed me with the ability to sing and act. Unfortunately, I was not blessed with the ability to dance. And even in spite of the fact that I’m  up there actually trying and getting frustrated about it , I still get snide remarks about how people “like” my dancing. It’s a real affirmation; thanks all.

This parade of “compliments” continued on in my rehearsal for DePauwCappella, where I found a section particularly difficult and simply couldn’t hear my note, and I get remarks about how we can’t play notes in rehearsal anymore and that it’s not right. I know it’s not right; if I didn’t I don’t think I’d be in a school for music…

I certainly don’t want to sound like I’m whining, because I’m not; I just wish people would have a little more consideration for the way others take things. That, in fact, is one of the biggest problems I’ve ever seen at DePauw:  so many people lack perspective, and all too willingly get wrapped up in their own affairs to give a crap about anything or anyone else. I think that’s one of the reasons why I joined my fraternity, because the men here do have that much needed perspective and are so considerate that I value my time with them quite highly.

But I digress, mainly because perspective is one of the biggest problems in the world overall; if we had a better understanding of others’ points of view and they of ours, would war or conflict exist? I certainly think not.

This Fool forges on…

-MJH

happy endings happen all the time

Well Spring Break has (basically) come to an end. By this time tomorrow, I will be back on campus to hack my way through the rest of the semester.

Never before have I felt more apathetic, or even angry, about going back to campus after a break. It’s quite odd, mainly because I’ve never felt like this before.

I remember very intensely after Winter Term last year how much I didn’t want to go back because I knew I’d be homesick (I spent last Winter Term doing an internship in Chicago, so I spent seven weeks with my family concurrently). This is an extremely different feeling…I just feel done with it all (and not in a “I’m so above this” sort of way). I’m tired, emotionally, physically and mentally.

And yet, I know I can’t stay here at home. It’s almost not real. I got to sit through three hours of being patronized and lectured by my voice teacher from here and realized that, if I were here, I’d have to continue getting this kind of treatment. This is not to say that I don’t love or appreciate my teacher for what she’s done for me- I mean, without her, I probably wouldn’t be where I am right now. In fact, I haven’t a clue what I would be doing, so I am grateful for that.

It’s times like these that I’m reminded of what I’ve heard so many times from my mom- that, in a weird way, everything seems to work out for the best. I believe in God, heck I even go to church every week, but I still find it odd how things play out sometimes. Maybe if my faith was stronger, I would default to the mindset that everything’s going to be alright, but it’s not, which is probably why I find it so weird.

“Look to God, do not be afraid” is what I think at times like this, when I get all “woe is me” in a funk. It’s from one of my favorite church songs. I can still remember the first time I ever heard it, I was singing with my church choir and we performed it before the service on Thanksgiving Day (it’s entitled “In the Lord, I’ll be ever thankful”, so that only makes sense).

There is a light at the end of the tunnel…I just have to learn how to enjoy the time in the tunnel itself

-MJ

the one thing I believe

Finally made it to Spring Break, and realized that I hadn’t been here in a while.

One of the hardest things to fathom is that, in about 8 weeks, I will have completed my second year at DePauw, my half way point. I’ve learned, laughed, grown and spent time with wonderful people.

Yet, somehow, I find myself in the midst of emotional turmoil that I am so unsure of it scares me. It’s not even the turmoil itself that bothers me, but the fact that I just don’t know what to do.

I’m hoping this week away from DePauw allows me to clear my head, my thoughts, sort out my feelings and come back renewed to take on the world again. I want to rest, run, practice, learn, laugh and just relax (doesn’t really sound like relaxing if I put it all like that, but I’m sure I’ll figure it out along the way).

I’ve always believed that I could figure things out along the way, and yet that’s not always true. Just spending two years at DePauw has shown me how valuable preparation is to anything one does, and I’m constantly in awe of those people who are aware of it enough to do it and do it well. 

The funny thing about emotions is how mercurial, fickle and changing they can be. It’s never as clear cut as we all wish they could be. We spend time in gray areas, not knowing what to do, where to go and how to react. Sometimes these gray areas are defining in our lives,  sometimes they are agonizingly confusing, leaving us to wonder at what we’ve done (or not done) and sometimes (to quote U2) it leaves us stuck in a moment we can’t get out of.

The ironic thing about that song is that it ends with “It’s just a moment/This time will pass”. At times, it’s really hard to see the light at the end of that tunnel, to think that things will be different than the way they are, mainly because of the unknown that comes with that change-if the difference will be good or bad.

Let’s see where this journey takes us…Spring Break ‘09.

Signed Sincerely,
Me

-MJH

Alas, poor fool, how have they baffled thee

Today marked the end of what I consider to be one of my greatest experiences as an actor ever.

Today was the last performance of William Shakespeare’s Twelfth Night, a special morning matinee for Greencastle High School students. I can honestly say that it marked the end of what was an amazing (yet short) run for the troupe personally referred to as “The Twelve”.

There’s so much to be said about the abilities and talents of the eleven people that I acted with, grew close to and honestly love. The sense of camaraderie and ensemble among us made the work that we did truly magical, and I think typifies what a theatrical performance should be: the live embodiment of a work of art; a living, breathing thing that you can watch and wonder at, and see develop and grow and change and, at the end of the day, be very proud of. 

I cannot say that I have done anything significant (on a large scale) in my life as an actor thus far, but I can say that this is an experience that goes so much further than acting. It extends to life, love, personality, character and internal growth.

 But, as the beautifully talented Amy Gaither Hayes put to us in song, there is no need to say goodbye. I would rather think of it as a “see you later”, with fervent hope that we never forget the beautifully magical work that we shared together.

Food for thought:  A quote from Public Theater founder Joe Papp, that encapsulates the beauty of ensemble, “You have to work with people who are compatible if you’re really going to create something.”

-MJH

dealing with loss

Today I received news that the husband of a very good friend of mine from home had died. I knew this man fairly well and had sung with his wife in my parish choir for four years. Needless to say, he meant quite a bit to me, and his loss hit me hard. My heart goes out to his wife and their family, as I know that this is a huge loss and may seem to be extremely unfair.

To an extent, it is unfair. It’s hard to believe that, the next time I go home, I won’t see him, and I know his wife will still be in a state of distress. It’s times like this that I wish I could be at home, or that home was a bit more accessible than it is. It pains me so much to not be able to be there for her and all of those affected by his loss.

Unfortunately, we all have to find a way to move on with our lives. The world kind of sucks like that; thinking that one can just “move on” from such a horrible loss is awfully mind-boggling. And yet, I know that tomorrow I’m going to have to get up, go to class, go to rehearsal and try to not let it get me down.

I can’t even imagine the loss that their family is feeling, and yet I am constantly aware of the fact that I will have to deal with loss like that some time in my life. (If you haven’t picked up on this yet, I can be morbidly depressing at times). Sometimes it scares me to think that I will lose the people close to me in my life; I really wish I didn’t entertain such thoughts, or even give it any thought at all.

But that’s always been a problem of mine: I overthink things. I take things and blow them up so much, or tear them down so much, that I practically drive myself crazy. 

A friend brought up personality tests recently, and I found one that I took at the beginning of school last year; apparently I am an ESFJ (Extraverted Sensing Feeling Judging). I was looking over the descriptors and I found one that was especially poignant at this time: “ESFJs are easily wounded. And when wounded, their emotions will not be contained. They by nature ‘wear their hearts on their sleeves,’ often exuding warmth and bonhomie, but not infrequently boiling over with the vexation of their souls. Some ESFJs channel these vibrant emotions into moving dramatic performances on stage and screen.”

I was watching our performance of Twelfth Night tonight and saw the beauty of the love story; that, in spite of misunderstandings, love conquers all. I realized something else at the end as well:

The Fool ends up alone.

-MJH

thinking of you

Today, I picked up copies of my voice jury sheets to include in my Music Teacher Education Program portfolio, and I decided to read them.

And that’s when I started thinking of Dr. Stanley Irwin.

In that stack, there were two sheets from both of my voice juries last year from Dr. Irwin before he so sadly passed away this past June 1st. I remember reviewing them after both of my juries, but one comment stuck with me today as I reviewed the sheets and really means a lot to me coming from a man who was so knowledgable about German art songs “a good voice and sensitivity for lieder is obvious.”

Those words mean more to me than I can possibly ever describe in my own words.

I was at a saxophone recital this evening (Professor Scotty Stepp with Katya Kramer-Lapin on piano) and he played an Etude entitled “Avec grace, souple, mais en mesure” by Charles Koechlin. For some reason, it made me think of Dr. Irwin and I cried quietly as the etude ended. It was beautiful and complex, much like the man himself.

Rest in Peace, Dr. Irwin. We miss you here with us; your time with us was much too short.

-MJH

the Fool delivers the madman

Sheesh, it’s been almost a month since I last blogged. I can really only chalk it up to being bogged down with being back the old DogPound University.

Twelfth Night (March 5-8; Moore Theater) is really coming along; considering it was basically nowhere when I last wrote, that’s quite a progression. I thoroughly enjoy being at rehearsal (well except for when I don’t remember my lines) because the cast is out of this world. Each person brings their own special insight to each character, and seeing it come together is absolutely exhilarating. Discovering moments and seeing as Shakespeare saw it really reminds me why I love doing theater so much; it’s about creating something that’s living and breathing, something bigger than yourself. Public Theater founder Joe Papp once said that theater is “a place where things can grow” and “the most basic, true representation of life”. It’s things like that that keep me coming back to each production, even if I happen to complain about the drag on the schedule, the process makes it all worth it.

Second semester is not as pressure filled as I thought it would be, at least academically. I think I’m still afraid Dr. Balensuela is going to show up in any one of my classes and start testing me on Music History again. 

Emotions are a funny thing; they can blow up in your face or they can be extremely satisfying. Just emoting itself is a somewhat stressful process. What’s funny is that, sometimes, I don’t even know how I feel. And that’s not a cop-out. Sometimes it’s a matter of just being confused, or not being able to verbalize how I feel.

I’m very blessed to have great people around me here that keep me sane. There are my friends who are willing to deal with neurotic complaints or angry outbursts and then there are those people that I can just lean on. This evening I had dinner with my host family from St. Paul the Apostle Church. They’re lovely people and, even though they didn’t know me a year and a half ago, have welcomed me wholeheartedly into their home and made me feel like there’s always going to be somewhere I can go where I’ll feel somewhat at home. It’s people like them that make me think that there’s hope for the human race, people who are kind with no agenda or underpinnings, but are kind for the sake of being kind. I tend to shade towards the cynical and think sometimes that everyone has a motive, but these people remind me that, sometimes, it doesn’t matter who you are or what you’ve done, but that you can faith in the human race for some sort of decency.

That’s all for now; hopefully I won’t continue being a stranger.

-MJ

reflections from NYC

Last day here at the Public; here’s a little ditty as a reflection on my experiences here
_______________________________________
As we began, I knew not what to expect
So please allow me a moment to reflect
On the many ways I will remember NYC
Though our time was short (weeks numbering 3)
We began with a connection in Charlotte at the airport
Where we had to run from our terminal as if competing in sport
Then we got to the city, our residence the Y
Tried to use our room keys, didn’t work, don’t know why.
Going to diners for breakfast, lunch or dinner
Personally, I most prefer “brinner”.
Taking African dance and seeing Ailey live
Masters of their art, to which I strive.
Scavenger hunt in Manhattan, as if in a rat race
Going to all sites, doing all tasks, finishing IN LAST PLACE.
Seeing comedians, both good and bad
Drunk hecklers both times, still good times were had.
Seeing the Metropolitan Museum of Art
Impressive exhibits, each and every part.
Speaking in silly accents for no reason at all
In a diner, or on the street or walking down the hall.
Using TKTS to go see Broadway shows,
Phantom and Avenue Q (the best ones) we chose.
Also In the Heights was quite a sight to see
Equus not so much (Daniel Radcliffe’s wee-wee).
Coming to the Public and meeting all the staff
From the start I knew I loved it, because they made me laugh.
Papering for the Public, and coming to see their shows,
First Love, County of Kings, the break/s (and LIGA kind of blows).
Walking around Battery Park, seeing the Statue of Liberty,
Then to the Brooklyn Bridge, over and across went we
Safely and soundly, (thank God) and a photoshoot for three!
Seeing fake Elmos everywhere I went
Along with Duane Reade pharmacies, “argh!” I’d lament.
Going to see the opera at the world famous MET
Gluck’s “Orfeo ed Euridice”, that I’ll never forget.
Leaving my phone in my room, and using a public phone
Leaving and coming back to South Port- TKTS closed at 6- if I’d only known!
Seeing the Broadway premiere of The American Plan
Thanks Steve, you’re a really great man.
But the thing I’ll remember most fondly,
An experience I hope I never forget,
Was an afternoon spent in Central Park
No purpose in trip, no souvenirs to get,
Just the company of a great friend
One whose friendship (I hope) will never end.
So goodbye New York City,
I’ll miss you very much
But if I know me (I think I do)
I’ll soon be back in touch.
_______________________________________________________

-MJH